Name Thingy

Personal Feng Shui

From my cousin Patrick Hackworth who says:
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you -- and me!

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This is my way of sending it to 1-6 people in six minutes for good luck.

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ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately.. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY.. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
Thanks, Patrick!

Words from Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson in some cases could be called a prophet.

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. Thomas Jefferson

Very Interesting Quote
In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:

'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.'

Zen Sarcasms

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Lisa's On a Roll with these ...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female .... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

My Sister My Neice

Sisters

My sister didn't know I was going to post her foot.

Perks of Reaching 50 .. from Laura V.K.

.... or being over 60!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh! It is all true

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.

19. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Ponderisms

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Great Christian One-Liners (from Sister Lisa)

• Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
• Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
• Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors..
• It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
• The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
• When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
• People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
• Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
• Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
• If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
• God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
• Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• Peace starts with a smile.
• I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
• A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
• We were called to be witnesses,not lawyers or judges.
• Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
• God grades on the cross, not the curve.
• God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!"
• God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
• He who angers you, controls you!
• If God is your co-pilot - swap seats!
• Prayer:Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
• The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
• The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
• We don't change the message; the message changes us.
• You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
• The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
  

More From My Sister

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I LOVE this photo!

Here is the link: Enjoy!
http://www.davidbergman.net/blog/2009/01/22/how-i-made-a-1474-megapixel-photo-during-president-obamas-inaugural-address/

Best Word Site Ever!

Oh.My.Gosh.
http://savethewords.org/

This page is - like - so. cool.
Tortiloquy
Dishonest or immoral speech.

No Pun Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
   
6. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
8. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
10. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
11. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.
14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it 's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Glorius Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the Gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
• 'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr
• 'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill
• 'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill
• 'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' - Clarence Darrow
• 'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the Dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas
• 'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln
• 'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain
• 'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde
• 'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.
• 'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop
• 'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' – John Bright
• 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb
• 'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson
• 'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' – Paul Keating
• 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard
• 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' – Robert Redford
• 'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed
• 'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand
• ”He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' –Forrest Tucker
• 'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on It?' - Mark Twain
• 'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West
• 'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' – Oscar Wilde
• 'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination. “- Andrew Lang(1844-1912)
• 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder
• 'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

From my Sister

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration : The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are :

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. 15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.