Great Christian One-Liners (from Sister Lisa)

• Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
• Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
• Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors..
• It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
• The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
• When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
• People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
• Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
• Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
• If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
• God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
• Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• Peace starts with a smile.
• I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
• A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
• We were called to be witnesses,not lawyers or judges.
• Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
• God grades on the cross, not the curve.
• God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!"
• God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
• He who angers you, controls you!
• If God is your co-pilot - swap seats!
• Prayer:Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
• The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
• The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
• We don't change the message; the message changes us.
• You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
• The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
  

More From My Sister

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I LOVE this photo!

Here is the link: Enjoy!
http://www.davidbergman.net/blog/2009/01/22/how-i-made-a-1474-megapixel-photo-during-president-obamas-inaugural-address/

Best Word Site Ever!

Oh.My.Gosh.
http://savethewords.org/

This page is - like - so. cool.
Tortiloquy
Dishonest or immoral speech.

No Pun Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
   
6. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
8. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
10. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
11. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.
14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
16. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it 's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Glorius Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the Gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
• 'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr
• 'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill
• 'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill
• 'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' - Clarence Darrow
• 'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the Dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas
• 'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln
• 'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain
• 'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde
• 'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.
• 'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop
• 'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' – John Bright
• 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb
• 'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson
• 'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' – Paul Keating
• 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard
• 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' – Robert Redford
• 'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed
• 'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand
• ”He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' –Forrest Tucker
• 'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on It?' - Mark Twain
• 'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West
• 'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' – Oscar Wilde
• 'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination. “- Andrew Lang(1844-1912)
• 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder
• 'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

From my Sister

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration : The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are :

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. 15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.